What is a Horror Movie?

Ok  kiddos, hate to go on a rant here, but let me make this perfectly clear...

BLACK SWAN IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE!!!!

(phew... glad to finally get that off my chest)

It is psychological thriller that examines a young woman's descent into madness.

Is it scary?  Yes.
Is it disturbing?  Yes
Is it a horror movie?  No.

Just because a film is scary, suspenseful, disturbing, even terrifying, that does NOT make it a horror movie.

Let me tell you a little secret...   Are you ready?  Ok, here goes...

Jaws is not a horror movie either.  (uh oh, I can hear the masses grumbling)
Neither is Psycho. (ducks head, awaiting flying cookingware)
Silence of the Lambs? ...forget about it - it's a straight up thriller (hey, put that pitchfork down willya? lemme explain!)

Stop looking at me like that, Lecter, lemme explain

I tend to be protective of the term "horror".  To me, it represents a very specific type of movie, and in this age of inclusiveness, I feel people have tagged many films as "horror" in order to justify the genre.  They want to say, "Hey look!  Look at all the "horror" films that have won Oscars!  We're legit!  We're not the grade-B low-budget degenerate shlockfest that people think we are.  Please like us..."

Well EFF THAT!  Horror does not need justification or legitimacy.  It's just fine as it is, thank you very much - in all its bloody, subversive, thought-provoking glory.

Therefore, I think a little clarification is in order.  A comprehensive definition of what a horror film is, so these constant mis-classifications can stop.  If a term like "horror film" is used incorrectly, eventually it loses its meaning and has no value anymore.

Once we have a solid definition we can use that as a filter to pass a bunch of movies through it and see how it stands up under scrutiny.

I'll take the first stab - here's my definition.  A horror movie has to have the following elements:

- it has to have an element of the supernatural (witches, ghosts, demons, alternate realities, etc)
or
- it has to have a monster (some creature that does not actually exist)
AND
- its primary aim has to be to elicit fear, horror, disgust or suspense.

This means that many of the most famous movies that you see on those best horror films lists, ARE NOT EVEN HORROR FILMS!

Ok, let's go back to the films already mentioned and pass them through my filter.

Critical Mass Interview

Hey, if you have a sec, jump on over to Only Good Movies, check out the interview I recently did for them and find out my thoughts on movies like Blade Runner, Avatar and oh yes, even Citizen Kane.

Lovecraft finally done right

Deadline reports that Guillermo Del Torro will finally be able to complete his vision of the H.P. Lovecraft masterpiece, At The Mountains of Madness.  Del Torro has had this on his wish list for quite some time but the effing pussy Hollywood Studios wouldn't touch it because there is no love interest or happy ending.  It's an EFFING HORROR FILM YOU MYOPIC BEAN COUNTERS!!!  GET A FRIGGIN CLUE.

Anywho, it seems like none other than James Cameron stepped up to lend his producing muscle to the project in order to make this happen and appease the risk-averse accountants- er studio heads.  Now I'm no big Cameron fan, but this is easily his single best achievement since...  well, since Terminator.

Del Torro is the perfect creative genius to helm this project - a true Lovecraft devotee and a true visual master.  In his hands, this should finally be the Lovecraft movie done right!  For those who haven't read it (and please go and buy a Lovecraft collection immediately - what's wrong with you?) At The Mountains of Madness is a seminal piece of horror fiction that has spawned such classic movies as The Thing and Alien.  It is one of his finest stories, along with Call of Cthulu, The Shadow Over Innsmouth, The Shadow Out of Time and The Whisperer in Darkness.

I can't wait to see this tale finally brought to the masses - the Old Ones would be proud.

M. Night Shyamalan and the Career Arc of a Director

No, I haven't seen The Last Airbender yet.

And I'm not gonna.

Know why?  Two words - The Happening.

I loved Sixth Sense - liked Unbreakable - loved Signs - tried to like The Village - was totally unimpressed with Lady in the Water.

I figured I'd give M. Night one more chance with The Happening.  But do you know what happened at The Happening?...  He took my 10 bucks and spit in my face.

Really.

That movie is an affront to filmmaking - either one of the worst, most tone-deaf movies made in the last 30 years, or the most brilliant satiric self-immolation ever put to film.  I seriously thought he was trying to purposefully trash his career so he could get out of his current contract by making the worst movie ever.

Then he made The Last Airbender... and it's getting even worse reviews.  I don't need to see it.

How can this be possible?  How can the same guy who made Sixth Sense and Signs, two of my favorite movies of the last decade, slide steadily into absolute dreck? Has he totally lost his mind?  Does he not care anymore?  Did someone else write and direct his first three movies for him?

I wanted to see just how bad it really was, so I did what I always do...

I made a chart:

This chart shows the ratings (per Rotten Tomatoes) for every M. Night directed movie.  As you can see, it looks like a big ol' slide to wretchedness.

That got me thinking... What do other director's charts look like?

Top Things Horror Movies Taught Me

Or things I actually still do as a grown-up man because of horror movies:

- I never sleep with my arm dangling off the edge of the bed.  I don't even like to have my hands exposed.  Do you really want to wake up with the sensation of someone holding your hand when you're the only one in your bed?

- I never walk into a dark bathroom and look at the mirror while turning the light on.  I always walk in, look down, turn the light on... wait.. and then look into the mirror.  You never know what you'll find looking back at you.

- I never swim at night- oceans, lakes, pools, hot tubs - I don't care.  Even bathtubs are suspect.

 (dinner is served)

- I always sit facing the entrance when I'm at a restaurant (oh that one could be because of too many Scorsese films...)

- I never pick up hitchhikers.

 (wanna see something REALLY SCARY??)

- I never walk around a dark forest at night. (I actually had to do this once to search for my lost dog and it was not pretty - I kept hearing snapping twigs echoing from the canyon walls).

- I never EVER play around with Ouja boards or seances - you're just asking for trouble.

(see - I told ya)

And things I always keep in mind (though they haven't actually happened to me yet):

- If you're with a group of friends in a dark and spooky place, and you're the one cracking jokes - you're probably going to die soon.  If you're also a minority - forget about it... you're already dead.

- If you're in a foreign country and some unbelievably hot model chicks ask you and your buddies to spend the night in their room - run away.  If you've already spent the night in their room... you're already dead.

  (eh - maybe it was worth it...)

- Always try to be extra nice to elderly eastern-European grandmothers.  Especially those with really nasty teeth and bad eyesight.

(yeah - like that)

- When you have a choice between a flashlight and a chainsaw... please... I mean c'mon people!

- Never trust a clown.

(now just think about this a sec kiddo - just why would a clown be living in a sewer...?)

- When someone specifically tells you not to go into a particular room - you might want to heed their advice.

- If your littler sister gets sucked into the tv - sorry... tough break.  I mean mom always told you not to sit too close...

 (you're on yer own beatch)

- Always shoot for the head - and puh-leez kick the gun/saw/knife/chainsaw/sawed-off-shotgun away from the madman/zombie/monster's hand, or better yet, use it to shoot/slash/decapitate.

(yeah - what he said)

- Never go back for the cat.

 (oh Jonesy... here kitty kitty...)

Blame my mother... really.

I can remember watching all sorts of weird, crazy and utterly horrible movies as a kid. My folks would pack us into our VW squareback and my sister and I would sit in the backseat, cozy in our pajamas, and cram freshly popped popcorn down our throats.

Yes, we were at the drive-in.

We watched all sorts of grade z monster movies like Sssssssand Bugand the occasional Japanese creature feature like War of the Gargantuas.I especially remember watching this one crazy film where people in a hi-rise complex were throwing up all over each other, getting naked and doing strange things...

My mother told us to close our eyes for that one.

I would discover later that that film was David Cronenberg's They Came From Within(also known as Shivers).

When I was twelve, my mother took me and a buddy to see a new sci-fi monster film that everybody was talking about. It was rated R for good reason - gore, horror and the kind of jump-scares that were sending people fleeing from the theaters. Of course, this didn't stop her from taking us right on in.

That movie was Alien, and suddenly I realized that monster movies needn't be grade-z shlock. They could be elegant. Thought-provoking. And still scary as hell.

Thanks Ridley.

And thanks, mom.