Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Top Things Horror Movies Taught Me

Or things I actually still do as a grown-up man because of horror movies:

- I never sleep with my arm dangling off the edge of the bed.  I don't even like to have my hands exposed.  Do you really want to wake up with the sensation of someone holding your hand when you're the only one in your bed?

- I never walk into a dark bathroom and look at the mirror while turning the light on.  I always walk in, look down, turn the light on... wait.. and then look into the mirror.  You never know what you'll find looking back at you.

- I never swim at night- oceans, lakes, pools, hot tubs - I don't care.  Even bathtubs are suspect.
 (dinner is served)

- I always sit facing the entrance when I'm at a restaurant (oh that one could be because of too many Scorsese films...)

- I never pick up hitchhikers.
 (wanna see something REALLY SCARY??)

- I never walk around a dark forest at night. (I actually had to do this once to search for my lost dog and it was not pretty - I kept hearing snapping twigs echoing from the canyon walls).

- I never EVER play around with Ouja boards or seances - you're just asking for trouble.
(see - I told ya)

And things I always keep in mind (though they haven't actually happened to me yet):

- If you're with a group of friends in a dark and spooky place, and you're the one cracking jokes - you're probably going to die soon.  If you're also a minority - forget about it... you're already dead.

- If you're in a foreign country and some unbelievably hot model chicks ask you and your buddies to spend the night in their room - run away.  If you've already spent the night in their room... you're already dead.
  (eh - maybe it was worth it...)

- Always try to be extra nice to elderly eastern-European grandmothers.  Especially those with really nasty teeth and bad eyesight.
(yeah - like that)

- When you have a choice between a flashlight and a chainsaw... please... I mean c'mon people!

- Never trust a clown.
(now just think about this a sec kiddo - just why would a clown be living in a sewer...?)

- When someone specifically tells you not to go into a particular room - you might want to heed their advice.

- If your littler sister gets sucked into the tv - sorry... tough break.  I mean mom always told you not to sit too close...
 (you're on yer own beatch)

- Always shoot for the head - and puh-leez kick the gun/saw/knife/chainsaw/sawed-off-shotgun away from the madman/zombie/monster's hand, or better yet, use it to shoot/slash/decapitate.
(yeah - what he said)

- Never go back for the cat.
 (oh Jonesy... here kitty kitty...)


  1. not doubt rules to live by. thanks dope post

  2. I'm a minority, though! But I'm not much of a joker, so I suppose I'm safe. Thanks for the tips! x)

  3. Death Hostel style might have gotten me too.

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  5. can I add - If you're trying to kill someone who is trying to kill you (monster/ex-husband) then shoot them lots of times. Never just once. They always come back!

    And never split up from your friends. Stay together at all costs!

    What else?

    don't walk backwards. They will always be behind you.

  6. After seeing "The Human Centipede", I'd add "Learn to change a car tire".

  7. when taking a shower alone in a house triple lock the bathroom. In the absence of bathroom doorlocks, only take the shower if you can leave the shower curtain wide open at all times

  8. The funny thing is I do most of this. The only thing is the mirror exception. However I also don't look out dark windows at night. (Meaning if there isn't light on the other side I let it go).

    Also: Fkn' clowns.

  9. Seriously? I thought horror movie lovers don't really believe in ghosts/monsters that's why we watch them because we don't get scared easily. I don't do any of those and I love horror movies.